It’s a Matter of Apperance
The Art of Looking Innocent.
Good afternoon.
It has recently come to my attention that some humans believe innocence is determined by one’s actions.
While that theory is understandable, it is nevertheless incorrect.
Professionals know innocence is determined entirely by appearance.
Fortunately, this is one of my specialties.
Lesson One: Never Look Nervous.
If someone suddenly calls your name…
Do not startle or run. Do not even make eye contact with nearby wildlife.
Instead, pause, blink slowly and stretch if possible.
Confidence is remarkably persuasive.
Lesson Two: The Evidence Is Not Your Concern.
Professionals never acknowledge evidence.
Perhaps it’s a broken flowerpot or a missing feather. Occasionally, it’s a mysteriously empty breakfast plate.
These are merely circumstances.
Looking directly at them serves no purpose.
Instead, study a cloud, hum softly or begin washing a paw.
Lesson Three: Timing Is Everything.
Always arrive a few moments after the commotion.
Patience is an underrated strategy.
Naturally, this creates unnecessary confusion.
After all, humans appreciate confusion.
Lesson Four: Maintain Excellent Posture.
Sit with your tail wrapped neatly around your paws. Keep your expression calm and your eyes soft.
Bonus points if sunlight creates a tasteful glow around your whiskers.
Appearances matter.
After all, the more angelic you appear…
The less paperwork follows.
Lesson Five: Accept Compliments.
Occasionally someone will say, “He looks so sweet.”
Whatever you do, do not overreact.
Simply accept the compliment with quiet dignity because your reputation is now doing most of the work.
As I demonstrated in my earlier publication, Rules for Public Displays of Affection, humans are remarkably eager to believe what they hope is true.
Lesson Six: Never Over-Explain.
If you truly are innocent…
No explanation is necessary.
However, if you are not, maintain your composure.
The same rule applies.
One Final Observation
Following years of careful observation, I have concluded that humans are remarkably willing to believe whatever is standing peacefully in the grass.
With that, this information should be used responsibly. Unfortunately, I have no intention of doing so.
Should anyone suggest this document encourages suspicious behavior, I respectfully disagree. This Dispatch merely documents techniques that have served me exceptionally well.
Until next time…
Remain calm. Blink slowly.
And, whatever you do…
Don’t look at the evidence.
INN Purr-spective
Mr. Ray (of Sunshine)
Editor-in-Chief | Bow-Tied Boss | Director of Guest Amusement
#MrRayReports
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