In & Out
It’s all about Timing
Good afternoon.
Certain areas of this establishment remain strictly private.
I know this because Kathy has made it abundantly clear that I may absolutely not enter them.
There have been allegations and even photographic evidence. In fact, I have even been ‘caught in the act.’
I will not be discussing it further.
What I will discuss is the curious fact that Kathy regularly enters these same restricted areas herself.
Apparently, when she does it, it’s called housekeeping.
The distinction seems arbitrary.
Nevertheless, I have observed the operation closely.
There are rules.
Rule 1: Wait for movement.
Some guests make things easy.
There are footsteps. Conversation. A door closes. More footsteps. The front door opens and then the front door closes. Perhaps a car leaves.
Excellent.
However, other guests are less cooperative.
First, there is a sound upstairs followed by silence.
Was that a door? Are they downstairs? Did they leave or did they simply roll over and go back to sleep?
Kathy waits. She listens. She wonders.
Finally, when she believes the coast is clear, something remarkable happens.
Kathy disappears and The Housekeeping Ninja emerges.
Rule 2: Do not move too soon.
This is where amateurs make mistakes.
For example, a guest coming downstairs does not necessarily mean a guest is leaving.
There may be a forgotten phone. A missing jacket. Sunglasses. Keys.
The sudden realization that whatever they need is precisely where they left it – upstairs.
Accordingly, The Housekeeping Ninja does not rush.
She waits until she can reasonably assume the guests are sufficiently far away – preferably several blocks.
For obvious reasons, I respect this level of caution.
I employ similar techniques but for different reasons.
Rule 3: Get In & Get Out.
Once The Housekeeping Ninja secures access, speed is essential.
She makes the bed. Empties the trash. Refreshes the towels. Replaces what needs replacing. Restores order. She does not linger.
Of course this sounds simple but it is not.
After all, a guest room can reveal considerably more than anyone intended.
An exploded suitcase, always. Every pillow on the floor, mostly. Every towel in the room somehow wet, occasionally.
Furniture in places where furniture was not previously located.
A trash can suggesting an evening considerably more interesting than yours.
Naturally, The Housekeeping Ninja notices these things.
She does not investigate or speculate and she certainly does not ask.
Sometimes it’s better not to.
Rule 4: Leave no trace.
Above all, a successful operation should be invisible.
As a result, the bed looks freshly made. The trash is gone. Fresh towels appear.
Everything is once again where it belongs.
Eventually, the guest returns knowing someone has been there without ever having seen the person who was there.
This, apparently, is considered excellent hospitality.
Being caught in the act, however, changes things. There is nothing particularly elegant about standing beside someone’s freshly made bed holding their trash when they unexpectedly return for a sweater.
The objective is simple: Be gone before they get back.
This is Housekeeping Ninja 101.
Rule 5: Respect restricted access.
Unfortunately, Kathy and I disagree on this point.
She maintains that certain areas of the Main Street Inn are strictly off limits to me.
Guest rooms. Guest beds. Guest bathrooms. Jacuzzis.
I maintain that one cannot reasonably be expected to understand a policy without occasionally conducting an independent review.
Apparently, Kathy neither requests nor appreciates my reviews.
This seems shortsighted.
Rule 6: Know when to walk away.
Eventually, every operation must end.
The Housekeeping Ninja has restored the room and removed the evidence.
The Housekeeping Ninja retreats and Kathy reappears downstairs as though nothing happened.
And when the guests return?
No explanations or awkward encounters. No mention of the towels and definitely no questions about the exploded suitcase.
In the end, everyone simply carries on – as it should be.
One Final Observation
I have long maintained that successful operations require patience, discretion and the ability to move without attracting unnecessary attention.
Apparently, housekeeping requires the same.
There is, however, one important distinction.
The Ninjas get unrestricted access.
I do not.
This remains under review.
INN Purr-spective
Mr. Ray (of Sunshine)
Editor-in-Chief | Bow-Tied Boss | Director of Guest Amusement
#MrRayReports
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